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3. Speaking of beavers

Well, It seems those imported Wisconsin beavers are creating a DAM problem in PA.

The following is from an E-mail I recently received. I'm sorry but I didn't take the time to include the pictures. I have Xed out his name and address to protect his privacy. Maybe some of you have seen this before, and for all I know it may not be legit, but it’s good for a laugh.

Falsifly

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan X regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.



State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr.X:



SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. X:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. X:


Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr..Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at (xxxxx) Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.


These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,


RYAN X & THE DAM BEAVERS

Allan,

Dare I say this? That was dam funny! Dammit!

Spence

The funniest part of all of this is that the PADEQ guy didn't know a freaking beaver dam when he saw one!! He didn't notice that the logs and twigs had been CHEWED instead of cut???

On second thought, it's not very funny at all if a person working for the state doesn't know a "God-dammed" natural phenomenon when he sees it...Next thing you know they'll be fining people for "sheens" on the water that are actually created by iron seeps...

Jonathon

About 35 years ago, I was fishing on my favorite Grayling, MI area trout stream when all of a sudden, I was wading through an oil slick. Shortly I came to a cabin owned by a friend; he was outside looking at the slick. I told him I was going to leave and call the DNR (Dept. of Natural Resources). My freind said that he had already done so. After a bit,a DNR officer showed up, saying that he was going upstream to see if he could find the source. After about 30 minutes, he returned saying that he couldn't find the sourc, but not to worry because "that oil won't hurt the river." Education is a wonderful thing.

I want to know one thing here, people: how is it that CONSUMATE IDIOTS like these people have nice, cushy, well-paying, benefit-riddled state jobs when they can't even identify a natural beaver dam or realize the threat to a polluted stream - AND I DON'T???????????

Is it because I'm not someone's cousin or didn't sleep with or give a bl*w j*b to somebody???????

No wonder the environment keeps getting more f*cked up by the day...These folks sound like they belong in Bush's Minerals Management Service, doing coke and having sex with the folks they're supposed to be regulating.

Oh, I guess I'm just not EXACTLY what they're looking for, i.e., someone who can walk on water and knows how to program ArcView GIS and has a background in environmental law and policy and can still identify plants and benthic macroinvertebrates to species and has a bush pilot's license and knows how to repair inboard boat motors and write project budgets and do community outreach and molecular analysis and doesn't mind working in steep or mosquito-infested terrain and...

Pardon the rant, folks, but it seems that's what it takes to get an environmental job in private industry these days, unless of course you want to be "on-call" without benefits (and apparently without work for significant amounts of time as well??) - hell, I can't even compete for those jobs with young punks who will accept fully HALF of what I get paid!!

I suppose I need to start looking for the right person(s) to s*ck on so I can get my cushy state job and lower my confidence level as well...BTW, I am ABSOLUTELY NOT bashing all state employees, I myself have worked for the state or in state-funded jobs many times so I would be accusing myself of being an idiot too if I were doing that. However, WE ALL know some state (and probably federal or local) employees that simply CAN'T have gotten their positions through their knowledge and skills as they seem to be sorely LACKING in them.

Thanks for letting me vent, I'm just really sick and tired of being unemployed. I sincerely hope that I have not upset or insulted anyone, unless you happen to be one of those idiots who can't recognize a beaver dam.

Jonathon